Baby Ryo.

Father’s Day, eh?

A late father’s day post. Note, this is not easy for me to do and this is going to be a dramatic post. Please bare with me.

So yesterday was father’s day. As usual, I didn’t celebrate it. Just like what I did for the past 18 years of my life. Why? Simply because I didn’t grew up with a father beside me. He doesn’t even there when I was born. Neither during my first birthday, first communion, first day of school, graduations, etc. During my childhood days, especially my birthdays, I always wish that my papa will be with us one day.

One evening, mama was rushing outside while I was busy watching Rosalinda. After a few minutes, mama went back and approached me. She said there’s someone who wants to see me outside. I was a second grader that time so I never knew what’s happening around me. There was a burger stand in front of our house before and there was a curly mestizo man beside me. He was wearing a cap and a brown jacket and he was staring at me the whole time. Of course, I got scared at first then mama said, “Anak, papa mo oh.” I can’t really remember the exact feeling that I felt that time. But all I know is that I can’t speak well and I am stuttering. I can’t even remember all the stuff that he said and even his face. But I remembered that I kissed his cheek and he gave me a watch with a calculator.

After that moment, I went back to my usual days without him. Of course, I started to miss him more. I even wanted to feel his presence even more. But that night is over.

I continued wishing during my birthdays and christmas. I only stopped wishing when my mama saw my letter to Santa Claus. She said, “Anak, wala na dito ang papa mo. Di na sya babalik dito.” Since then, I stopped wishing.

Well I know you guys are wondering why papa is not with us. I never knew exactly what happened to papa and mama but all I know is that they are not married. I am using my mom’s last name and even her middle name. In other words, I am illegitimate. Mama said, I have siblings. I will never know what will be my reaction if I’ll meet them.

Anyhoooo, as time goes by, my heart got used to the fact that this is what happened to my life. I can no longer do anything about it. I just have to accept the fact that mama is a single mom, I am illegitimate and it’s been more than 10 years since he showed his face to me. But still. I am blessed to have more than just a one mother who can give me anything that I want and who can do anything just for me. The reason why I don’t need for a father’s presence anymore. They’re just more than enough. Thank you so much, Auntie Ping, Auntie Norma and Mama!

But to be honest, I still get jealous whenever I see a complete and happy family and still affected with these Happy Father’s Day thingy.

I want to look for him, but not now. I still need to study first. After I graduated and have decent job, then that’s the time that I will look for him and ask all the questions that I wanted to ask to him all this time. I’ll never say bad words about him, that’s bad. And besides, why should I? He’s still my father and I still respect him. Maybe there’s a deep reason why all these things happened to us. I still love him so much though.

But for now, life must go on. Back to reality. Happy father’s day to all the fathers out there! :)